Roommates You Don’t Know You Have (Until Now)

Whether you’ve been living in your studio / 2-bedroom apartment / multi-bedroom house for a while or the movers just pulled away from your street, here’s some bad news: you have roommates you don’t know about.

They are shamelessly snickering and hooting while you’re rolling out of bed (after hitting that snooze button twice), struggling to cook “Quaker Quick Oats” (saving money on breakfast means you can hit up Chipotle for lunch AND get guacamole, nah mean?) and/or pleading helplessly with your children to get in the car.

Moreover, these roommates are not helpful; they will not shine the counter-tops, rinse the dishes or disinfect the bathroom while you’re out. Instead, they will (continue to) party very, very hard, engage in unspeakable acts all over your sacred living space and sadly, won’t be showing any signs of slowing down upon your return.

Amongst amateurs, these infidels will remain dominant. They will effectively conduct guerrilla warfare by hiding in the hills and crevices of your bedroom(s), bathroom(s) and kitchen(s), striking opportunistically. While you may venture into a Duane Reade once a month, purchase some “Wet Wipes” and cause your tenacious tenants some slight distress, they will ultimately overcome your anemic assaults and continue to fester within your homeland (read: near your kids/pets / you).

The Good News

With proper, professional assistance, you can win this war in nuclear fashion. An experienced and well-equipped service (Maid Sailors) will arrive at war with an arsenal appropriate for fully sanitizing every major chamber of your home. Thereby eradicating your unwelcome guests. You don’t need to buy supplies beforehand and you certainly won’t need to store anything afterward. Maid Sailors come equipped with what amounts to a mini-Rite Aid in their duffel bags, allowing them to effectively and efficiently sterilize every square inch of your habitat.

So, exactly who are these roommates? The researchers at Maid Sailors have profiled two prominent squatters that are probably reading this article alongside you right now. (Pro-tip: if you book your cleaning now, you can probably finish reading this at a Starbuck’s while your home is secured in the meantime.)

1. Donnie the Dust Mite

Last check-in: Your bed (jumping), sheets (lounging) and pillows (napping real quick).

Hobbies: Donnie doesn’t bite but you might be allergic to him. If so, he’ll be busy posting statuses on your laptop (while you’re away) about how he made you sneeze, gave you a stuffy nose and made you cry (that itchiness of the eyes, tho).

Relationship status: Donnie isn’t a player, but he interacts a lot (if you know what I mean). Normally, Donnie might only be around for 20 days. But if he links up with his main chick (Diane the Dust Mite), she can live up to 70 days and lay 60–100 eggs during the last month of her life.

Fun-fact: Donnie is a real “sneakerhead.” He has eight legs, which means he has to buy 4 pairs of Jordans in order to remain the envy of his other microscopic friends.

Eviction solution: A professional can evict Donnie by thoroughly washing and drying your bedding (sheets, pillowcases, comforters, etc.) and exhaustively vacuuming your floors and carpets; additionally, these vacuums should have “high-efficiency particle air filters (HEPA)”, which will collect Donnie’s waste and his girl’s eggs.

2. Elizabeth Coli (Elizabeth often goes by “E. coli”)

Last check-in: As the Notorious B.I.G. line goes, “…she be sittin’ in your kitchen, waiting to start hittin’.” Your sink (her personal pool), food-ridden dishes (her beach chairs), cutting board (doing pilates) and countertop (tanning, obvi).

Hobbies: This chick can be a femme fatale as they come. If you’re not careful, she’ll make you anxious, have you sitting on a toilet seat for hours. And literally make you sick to your stomach.

Relationship status: Like Kanye West, Liz loves herself more than she can ever love another being. She will clone herself multiple times and her appetite (for herself) is sadly insatiable; within a 12 hour period, there can potentially be up to 17 million versions of Liz. Maybe having an all-out lovefest in your kitchen.

Fun-fact: This single-celled Cinderella is quite the social butterfly. In addition to her common hangouts, she’ll also be attending happy hours in your blender. And rubbing shoulders with other microbial bad girls in a litany of additional kitchen appliances.

Eviction solution: Having a professional conduct a thorough sanitary-onslaught on both your bathroom and kitchen will do the trick. A Maid Sailor will have the time and tools to disinfect your cutting boards, countertops, dishes, utensils and table surfaces. In the bathroom, anti-bacterial soaps and wipes will be used to cleanse your toilet, floors, tubs and even the handles.